Your breath stinks.

My mind is stuck, snagged on guilt.

I can’t be here because I am thinking about 10 thousand things.

I am anxious about why she didn’t answer.

I am in pain and I can’t be here.

I can’t be held, I can’t love.

I can’t do the errands, I can’t play the piano.

I can’t find your eyes because I have to look through my memories.

I have to plan dinner.  I have to get old.

I have to be serious and get things done.

I have to be someone before I die.

I don’t have time to be here for you.

But I must.

So I let your tentacles brush me where it hurts

underneath to where I might still be alive.

I let the dishes fall and break, let the

family fall apart.

Let the bills go unpaid, the clients go unmet.

Let the world catch fire, I don’t care.

My only job, now, is to love again.

Low fan!   Slight snore!

Awake mirror glimpse.

I fight the writer voice

to get out of the way!

My husband and I are

re-uniting,

a private yet worthy

moment of We Had No Idea

that youth gave us such

potent accuracy

before our latent

time.

He is the newspaper

of  my soul.

I hate fairy tales and

Barbie dolls. Yet!!!

I know they came from some

reality who

became insane.

I Mean, when Is Insane

So Different from sane..

I know perfection

as a lonely branch in a wood

a lonely woman in her crowd

a lonely man in his field

sad on a dew drop of a hanging needle

smelling of sap

smoking of heir

stuck in gray

scared of more

thick in

insulated

c o tt o

n

ever

moving

Creeping Thyme by Laura Harris

I am a love child.  I remember

when the elements bubbled up underneath me,

between two souls under the blazing cheering sun

Behind the trees, in some dimension

that the church can’t understand.

So they call it witchcraft,

and they call me weird

with my special powers,

holding the heart of the whole tribe.

Little owl, big eyes.  See the whole story

in your dreams, in the cards

mapping out the knowledge

carried in your genes

Clearing out the lines

Unlocking the spell

Taking back my love

Returning to my roots

Shaking out the tree

Feeling the wind against me

Touching me with my own forgotten soul, my

Birthright

]]> http://goldenfog.wordpress.com/2011/12/16/rebirth/feed/ 0 goldenfog Creeping Thyme http://goldenfog.wordpress.com/2011/12/02/water-color/ http://goldenfog.wordpress.com/2011/12/02/water-color/#comments Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:36:23 +0000 goldenfog http://goldenfog.wordpress.com/?p=649 ]]> The question of why we’re here

does it matter?

Is it vain? -Does it hang us up on our ego?

Or is it noble?  -Do we sense that we are

spirits with extra knowledge,

who came here to help some

special cause?

Does it help to be quiet

and let it go?

Is it more efficient to

drive hard and fast to the end?

Are we happier and mission-accomplished

if we wrote a book, had a family,

made a movie, started a company?

Or is it somewhere in between,

in a quiet moment when we

softened our breath?

Is it enough to know we cared?

Is less more?

Is more more?

Is less less?

And then a twinkle,

and I remember not to think.

on the map that can be felt but not yet seen.

This world cannot see me

But it knows my shadow well.

                                           —-Tree God

]]> http://goldenfog.wordpress.com/2011/12/02/the-art-of-living/feed/ 0 goldenfog hollow-earth-aliens http://goldenfog.wordpress.com/2011/11/10/sabotage-is-not-for-lovers/ http://goldenfog.wordpress.com/2011/11/10/sabotage-is-not-for-lovers/#comments Thu, 10 Nov 2011 20:45:00 +0000 goldenfog http://goldenfog.wordpress.com/?p=638 ]]> Having moved to a new city, and intending to stay on course for once, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and their significance.  I’ve spent the past 31 years jumping around a lot and never letting things develop.  It took a lot of healing to get to a place where I could enter the beginning of a love commitment and not freak out.

Normally, as soon as any kind of relationship has potential, I find fault and end it decisively.  I can trace this back now to my own parents lying to me:  I was constantly questioning myself because I felt something was not right.  Time and time again, they lied: “No, everything is totally normal.  It’s all you.”  This set up a really difficult template for trusting people when things seem well.  Everything feels like a lie, so I just blame myself or circumstances.  But really, my inner compass needs calibrating.

I sensed in the past few years that I needed to release that betrayal and start again.  But at age 31, it’s not easy.  Fortunately, starting again with my partner was really well marked with “you’re on the right track” signs and exclamation points.  Clearly, the timing was aligned with something totally right for me.  When I started to freak out like usual, it was easy to recognize that the problem laid(?) in my ability to trust good things.  So I sought a powerful healer to help me move through the pain and not sabotage a clearly marked gift at my feet.

The same is happening, now, with my ability to make friends.  Throughout life, I have met lots of people who like me and whom I like back- but in my heart, I come from a place where everyone just loves each other.  Judgment is not even an option.  This place loaded with human competition, masquerades, and betrayal from my own parents.  Why can’t people just be nice?  Why is it so hard?

I don’t care about proving myself.  I don’t care about being hip, thin, and beautiful; successful, educated and wealthy; about status or being the best at anything.  All I care about is living in the light of the divine.  My edge is motivated by spirit , love and integrity.  But this makes for a lonely lady.

I go out to bars, not to be cool, but to connect and play.  I play music, not to make a hit record, but to dissolve myself in the humanity we all know.  I teach, not to program robots, but to show humans secret pockets of positive energy that will medicate them with the slow trickle of life’s wealth.  I make and spend money because its livelihood is a vital part of our expression and existence, not to elevate my name over others.

Finding other women who think this way, who have the desire to show up, is difficult.  And I’m a difficult, fickle, overly sensitive person.  I feel like I was born the day I left California… but I’m 31.  People expect me to have some social skills.

Recently, I keep finding surprises where I don’t expect them.  My old piano teacher training, revisited, ended up providing a map to my future as a business owner.  My old boyfriend ended up being the most right partner I could have asked for.  His city, Portland, is turning out to resonate with me much more than I expected.  And I suspect there are many hidden gems ahead.. my job is to not expect, to accept things as they are, and to show up to new things with courage.

To the sensitive, loving beings who feel we are not made for this war of a world… Take heart, and now more than ever, savor each other and nurture our delicate connections.  The internet, and telepathy, are pathways to connect across time and distance.  We have to recognize who we are, and validate the flame of our love.  Let’s make it grow to sustain us through the fall of a love-starved society.  We’ll meet on the other side, strong and ready for a new beginning.

D

I can’t believe it’s been 4 months since I’ve posted!  Can we say growth period?

“Growth period” is from the brilliant terminology defined at the Berkeley Psychic Institute where I studied clairvoyance and energy stuff.  My experience at BPI was amazing for many reasons- but of them all, perhaps the best part was a language for discussing the subtleties of the life experience.

After all- unless you’re self-helpy or religious, or maybe an art person, subtlety is not something that is easy to discuss.  And yet, perhaps the quality of our entire experience is defined by subtlety.

“Growth period”  should not be language limited to the spiritual community.  Can we re-coin this beautiful term to make it Webster-worthy?  One possible way to define it: Growth period is the jet lag between the body and the mind that occurs when we embrace positive change.  We’ve done all this amazing work: letting go of something from the past.  Developing strength. Changing careers.  Taking a brave step towards something we want. What happens?  The life we knew before- whether one minute or one year ago- doesn’t fit.  We feel funny!  We feel sad.  We sleep for 11 hours a night!  We look like Mickey Mouse for a day.  The thing that changed is magnified in our consciousness as it releases from our psyche.

Then, at some point we wake up.  In the middle of a burning yoga pose!  After a 10th long night of sleep.  After a brilliant meal- we look down at our body and realize something is different.  Something is a little easier.  And the next challenge is a little less daunting.

When we develop language for this very common experience, we don’t feel so alien.  Language links us.  The AWARE community can say “growth period” and everyone around laughs and nods because they know how you feel!  And they accept and love you anyway- in fact, they applaud your Mickey Mouse courage.

I spent so much of my 20′s trying to prove my independence.  In fact, I have come full circle to realize that this is an inter-dependent Universe.  I take responsibility for myself- but I do it in pride, and I create a circle of people who speak my language.  That circle does not come easily, when you are a sensitive weirdo.

Guess what.. Sensitive weirdos are the future.  We are the imperfect, ever-questing Einsteins and yoga teachers and songwriters and, well, sometimes CEOs, too.

Grow. Fluctuate.  Look in the mirror and smile.  Imagine all the people standing behind you who like what you have to say.  THOSE are the people who will help us dissolve our need to be sheep.  That is our ever-growing, ever-opening circle of decided authenticity, imperfection and excellence.

Me and Sean in 1998, reunited in 2011

Well?  What do you want to know?  Who  is this guy in the photo I say is my father?   What is the change you can detect in me, but can’t put your finger on?

Why do you know in some strange deep-down way that I am embodying the spiritual awareness that you are afraid to believe is real?

I woke up feeling sick today.  Fathers Day (that’s the plural fathers, not the contraction father’s) is the hardest day of the year for me.  And in the last year, I have started to come out of shock.

I am angry.  I am sad.  No one is here for me.  I have not met anyone who understands.  Talk therapy only goes so far.  My life is a mess and I did not create it.  I am shouldering all of my parents problems.  When I speak my truth, people tell me it’s the wrong thing because it hurts people.

Such is the life of an illegitimate child.

But, you know me.  I was born a love child.  I refuse to let life stop here.  In fact, I have been obsessed with making my life right since I was 16 years old.  I’ve been sniffing, hunting out, and listening for the signals of truth that would be the seed of my own ability to live a day of life free of other people’s laziness, fear, pain and lies.

About 2 months ago, my college sweetheart emailed me.  We were together ten years ago, on and off from when I was about 19-22.  He knows me like the back of his hand.  I know him, too.  I sabotaged the crap out of our relationship, between being too young and totally fearful of love.  Love, to me, meant control.

He came to visit me and just like a decade ago, we were immediately best friends.  I felt the sun begin to shine in my heart.  Maybe now, healing will finally be possible.  I tried sabotaging it some more, and I realized something is really wrong with me and it’s time to stop.

I found Arda, an incredibly gifted healer of the subconscious mind.  We have been working together for 3 weeks.  Together we find the source of my twisted heart, bring it to the surface, and release it.

As a result, my life simultaneously feels beautiful and free, and hurts like hell.  I can’t keep these secrets for my parents anymore.  I am in love.  I am terrified of commitment because of the way I was conceived.  I am a living, walking product of betrayal.  Every day, I get out of bed and feel guilty.  It’s all I have ever known.  And now, Arda is helping me to give those people’s guilt back to them.  It is not my problem to carry around their confusion, anymore.

I hurt a lot.  I feel alone.  Sean my boyfriend is there for me, but I am still sometimes terrified of love.  Yet, as I move through these feelings and release them, I know for the first time I am finally living, and being okay will soon be a reality I have never before known.

If you know me, love me in some way you don’t understand, please send me your thoughts and prayers.  I am capable of giving immensely to this planet.  Right now, I need your help and support.  Don’t perpetuate this idea that I should continue lying.  I am suffering under that boulder.  If you know my parents, forgive them mentally and let them take responsibility for what is, not for the prettier picture you would like me to pose in.

Life is too short to live a lie.

from http://www.etsy.com/listing/27298679/bright-copper-kettles-8x10-print

A few of my favorite things right now…

BOOKS

The Art of Piano Playing, by Heinrich Neuhaus.

Heinrich is somewhat of the “godfather” of Russian piano pedagogy.  His language is approachable, from the heart, readily applicable, and cuts right through the superficial ego stuff that can get in any musician’s way.  He also values and understands teaching piano as its own art, which gets me like velcro of course.

The Power of Now, Eckart Tolle.

I’ve been meaning to read it for awhile, but reading Buddhist stuff tends to give me a headache, so I downloaded it.  It’s pretty accessible in language, but I have to listen to it in small doses and digest its rich nutritious ideas in my own time.  One chapter at a time is plenty and they’re each pretty much describing different aspects of the same concept.  None of the ideas are really new if you’re familiar with Buddhism, but it’s still a refreshing and supportive listen for anyone who is working their way down a “conscious” path.

The 10 Things You Need To Eat by Dave Lieberman and Anahad O’Connor, just as I mentioned about 6 months ago, remains a highly-used reference book in my home.  I don’t believe in diets at all- I’m all about focusing on loving my body and patiently honing a process of caring for myself.  It takes practice, and a sense of playful motivation.  I’m almost 31 and my metabolism is slowing, I’m getting wrinkles, and I’m aware that my inner organs probably are changing just as the outer ones.  I fully embrace the aging process and love myself through and through- which is also why I want to take excellent care.

1 in 3 people will be diagnosed with cancer at some time in their life.  Statistics show a specific inverse relationship between esophageal cancer, the most common type, and a diet heavy in spinach.  Or how about the fact that it protects your brain?  Studies show that elderly people who eat 3 servings of vegetables per day show a slower mental decline, and those who eat leafy greens add an average of 5 years to their mental performance.  This book is riddled with such motivating statistics, and follows it up with playful and inspiring recipes that have enabled me to change my lifestyle with enthusiasm.

Also, the book is supportive of a budget and I’ve saved a lot of money on food in the past month.  Why?  Lentils.  They are rich in fiber, protein, healthy carbs, and nutrients and cost about $3 per pound for the fancy ones.

SPEAKING OF A HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE

Thanks to a few key choices, upgrading to healthy habits has actually been a lot of fun, and not at all grinding.

Bernal Yoga

I’ve only been to a few different yoga studios, but I’ve had the occasional experience of being annoyed by yoga snobs.  This particular yoga studio has completely won me over.  Voted “most unpretentious yoga studio in SF,” the teachers are amazing each and every one.  The clientele are friendly and down-to-earth, and most importantly, the yoga is such a deeply enjoyable force in my life.

Surely it’s just yoga.  Even when you have a “bad” teacher, yoga seems to work in mysterious ways.  I’ve found that with persistence and patience, I have just the right workout every time.  Some days are sweaty and firey; other days are introspective and restorative.  Wisdom touches the body and helps me to find a harmonious and positive relationship with my own inner strength and self discipline.

Yoga isn’t cheap- and I find there are times I just want to change it up with cardio.  So I joined 24-hour fitness to offset the cost, and I buy a certain number of yoga classes as I go.  This has worked well for me, but I need to plan carefully in order to make time for exercise, the time it takes to cook and prepare healthy food, and regular work and social life.

Still, I must say I’m kind of having a great time immersing myself in these goals.

SUSPENDING ALCOHOL

As you may have read in earlier posts, a part of me sensed that I could really make a lot more use of my energy if I changed my relationship with alcohol.  I wanted to find out what kinds of feelings I might be avoiding by drinking to unwind at the end of the day or by drinking socially.  Even though I don’t notice alcohol causing any acute problems, I suspect it’s been slowing me down from the evolution I suspect I’m capable of.  It’s not the drink itself, but the quality of my relationship with my physical and emotional bodies I’m curious about.

Naturally, I’ve avoided certain activities and have found myself with all this extra time and money I didn’t used to have.  At first it was a little disorienting, but now I kind of feel like I’ve given a whole new dimension to my life that I couldn’t see before.  I don’t really miss alcohol enough to end the experiment, so I figure I may re-assess my relationship with it on a monthly basis with my therapist.  She keeps me really motivated on my quest for a life saturated with the beauty of reality.

A few new activities have cropped up with all my extra time:  exercise and cooking (obviously,) but also I’ve fallen in love with classical piano all over again.

Like, really in love.

PIANO LITERATURE

I have this old book from the Omnibus World Library called My Favorite Classics for piano, published by John Brimhall.  There are 4 levels, and I’m working through level 3 one piece at a time.  My current piece is the Pastorale from one of Beethoven’s sonatas, opus 28.  I am also working through a Debussy piece, Claire de Lune, which I never really bothered to tackle; and a crazy etude whose title and composer I can’t read because they’re in Russian.

I enjoy from time to time a Jazz Hanon book, which uber-strengthens my relationship with 7ths harmony; and also some Thelonious Monk.  That stuff is crazy.

I’ve had a recent onset of adult piano students which has been a lovely experience.  It’s inspired me to think about piano in a non-classical way and approach it completely from a harmony perspective.  I must admit it’s a little hard to tear myself away from the books when teaching, so I downloaded an ebook called Piano for All which approaches piano from a popular/ rhythm/ chord standpoint.  It’s been a fun and enlightening addition to my teaching repertoire and I’m not sure it would help a complete amateur without some hand-holding, but I think it is definitely worth a look for people who already have a little piano under their belt.

MEDITATION

One of the things I love about yoga and meditation is the fact that it counteracts the sense that sobriety nullifies the social life.  Suddenly I am surrounded by people whom I have something in common with: an inner drive to evolve spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Dharma Punx is where I go, once a week on Fridays, and not even every week.  Even just an occasional visit is a very rejuvinating support to my practice.  It is there that I got a text-buddy system for meditating, and now have a low-pressure practice of sitting 15 minutes per day.  I started at only 5 minutes per day and have gradually worked up to 15 at my own pace.  Just those tiny 15 minutes have given me a whole new set of tools for appreciating and accepting reality.  I am able to face life, my feelings, and my truths without freaking out as much as I might have just a few weeks ago.

I like therapy too.  I go to this place: http://www.integralcounselingcenter.org/about_ciis/index.html and I really like my therapist.

MUSIC AND STUFF

Recent downloads…

Steve Hofstetter, Pick your battles.  Stand-up comedian.  He calls it like it is, and I really like his style.

Arcade Fire, the Suburbs.  Duh.

The Secret Universal Mind Meditation II, Kelly Howell.  Puts me right to sleep so I really can’t tell you much.

Lungs, Florence + the Machine.  Love her!

The Walkmen, Lisbon.

The Strokes, Is this It.  I can’t believe I didn’t know about this album sooner!

Garfunkel and Oates, All Over Your Face.  They are 2 hilarious women.  But you can pretty much get it all on youtube.

The Black Keys, Brothers.

Lady Gaga, Fame Monster.  What took me so long?  I mean if you like Gaga, you just buy it instantly.  Well for me I didn’t have much use until I went to the gym.

…………..

I like writing this stuff down because it keeps me going.  Please, I’d love to hear yours!

<3

Disclaimer 2: I don’t judge other people for drinking. This is totally my kick.

Some healthy dependencies that are helping me through my growth period.

1) Yummy Drinks
These help me with any sugar crashing.
Really yummy fresh juice- i buy it at whole foods- my favorite is barsotti’s cran apple cider
Organic Ginger beer, root beer
Tea
Kombucha, yum.

2) solidarity.
Non judgmental friends who stay present through feelings, goals, and having fun and combatting boredom and isolation.

3) fun.
I’ve been finding activities where I still have something to focus on if I’m not drinking. Others are often drinking but I’ve got my tea or whatever.
Burlesque was super fun.
Hike
Games
Live music
Comedy
Etc

4) professional support
And kleenex.
Weird feelings come up. It’s a good thing. The alcohol was hiding those feelings. Now they can pass, and in the future when I drink it won’t be an inner redneck complex.

5) yoga
Has a magical quality of making me feel strong enough to withstand this crazy world and the emotions I feel in it.

6) meditation group
Good for meeting others who are currently working on stuff.
More importantly… Helps me calm the fuck down and not be so judgmental,neurotic, controlling.
Helps me deal with emotions instead of sitting on them.

7) hobbies
Things to put my mind on when I’m lonely
Listening to music
Reading
Art
Piano
Discovering city things
Etc